Now there's an odd word. I wonder what genius we can credit with coining this term. More intriguing yet, who can be credited with the slang terms for this part of the body?
Fascinating to ponder such things.
For most people, a horrible and terrifying thought is having this part of the human body (preferably by a doctor) probed, inspected, researched, examined, etc. I, however, prefer to use the expression.....violated. A single day in 1999 will forever etch this year into my mind, as this is exactly what happened to me for the very first time.
"Sgt. Sawyer, you're next. Please come in for your exam."
She seemed like such a nice lady. Captain Lee (name changed to protect her privacy....even though she decimated mine) was a small oriental woman. A doctor in the US Army.
I was at Madigan Army Medical Center in Ft. Lewis, Washington for an army airborne physical....required in order to attend the army's airborne school in Ft. Benning, Georgia. Before the physical, I was informed by members of my unit "in the know" that the physical was simple and routine, testing my ability to move my arms and legs correctly and to jump without pain in the knees and ankles. The doc would also test my heart and lungs to ensure no surprise shut downs while in training, and test my mental capacities to make sure I didn't freak out under extreme conditions. Sounded good to me. I was willing to take the army's money to sit on an exam table and answer some basic questions....maybe even let them draw blood if needed. I was not, however, prepared for what actually happened. Unfortunately for me, I think Captain Lee had had a bad morning prior to my arrival.
For some odd, still unexplained reason, my eyes immediately fixed on a tube of K.Y. Jelly sitting on the counter as I entered the exam room. I remember laughing a little thinking this was a sick joke. Nonetheless, I proceeded to hop up onto the exam table and took off my shirt, as instructed by the good doctor.
The physical started as a simple question and answer session that evolved into the basic exam stuff.....checking my hearing and eye sight, checking my throat ("ahhhhhh"), checking my breathing, banging on my elbows and knees with that goofy rubber mallet for reaction, even checking for hammer toe (not sure why, but she did. Maybe this was a sign of how thorough she intended to be with this so-called simple and routine physical).
Assuming that the session was nearing an end, I lifted myself off the exam table and started putting my shirt back on. Captain Lee informed me that the exam wasn't quite over and that she needed me to remove my "trousers" (unless you're 80 years old, please don't use that term) and bend over the exam table.
"What?".....the only expression I could muster up. Quickly followed by, "Ma'am" seeing as though she was an officer and military custom required it.
As she was preparing her tool of the trade (finger), she repeated herself.
Now here I was.....a tough as nails, 29 year old good looking guy. A tough as nails, 29 year old good looking STRAIGHT guy. "If there is a God in Heaven, please tell me this isn't happening." No response.
As I positioned myself for the inevitable, I was trying my best to relax the soon to be invaded area. Based on common sense, I assumed this would make things a little less debilitating.
Yah, right.
As the procedure started, light suddenly turned to dark. Day turned to night. White turned to black. I think I even heard a pig squealing in the background. A cold sensation quickly hit me, yet I was sweating like a prostitute at the altar.
What the hell is she doing back there? This little, petite lady suddenly had fingers the size of sausages. After a while I thought maybe she had lost something up there and was desperately searching for it.
Finally, I heard her say: "That's it. Sgt. Sawyer the exam is over. Please get dressed." It seemed like hours had passed, but in reality the procedure took seconds.
I wanted to ask her if I needed a Band-aid or perhaps stitches. Instead, I decided to do my best to regain my composure and humility and get the hell out of the area. Never would anybody know about this. Nobody!!!
As I was walking out of the clinic that day with my buddy who was also there for an airborne physical, I asked him what he thought about the exam. I distinctly remember him shrugging his shoulders and indicating that it was "no big deal". I asked him specifically what he thought about the "butt probe".
His response, "What the hell are you talking about?"
He had a different doctor than I did.
It was at this time that it dawned on me that my physical had started before his, but yet there he was waiting for me in the lobby when I walked out of the exam room. His physical wasn't as "thorough" as mine.
I later found out that the requirements for an airborne physical say nothing about inserting a square peg into a round hole. What I got was a more demanding and complete Army Special Forces physical. Something completely different than a "simple and routine" airborne physical.
Captain Lee had misread my orders stating the intent of the physical. Or, maybe she just wanted to see me naked.
He had a different doctor than I did.
It was at this time that it dawned on me that my physical had started before his, but yet there he was waiting for me in the lobby when I walked out of the exam room. His physical wasn't as "thorough" as mine.
I later found out that the requirements for an airborne physical say nothing about inserting a square peg into a round hole. What I got was a more demanding and complete Army Special Forces physical. Something completely different than a "simple and routine" airborne physical.
Captain Lee had misread my orders stating the intent of the physical. Or, maybe she just wanted to see me naked.
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